Lyrics by Ron Athey

A short story from memory
In one of my earlier stunts
I slashed my little sister's fingertips with the razor blade
Afterwards I took the razor to my own hand
To show her how insignificant the wounds were
And to make her stop crying
That's just a creepy little kid's story
But the chemical hell started with Valium when I was nine
By the time they cancelled my prescription
Six years later
I was long term addicted
I suffered through a long summer of withdrawal
I later tried to commit suicide with a Seconal overdose
I swallowed one hundred
It was a tempted tantrum
Desinged to reject the choices I saw for a life
I vomited for days
Did this failure to die mean next time
I would be the type to take everyone down with me
I shot dope for seven years
And turned on anyone I could
Junkie-life is a suspended state of being
Through some of it) I hated myself
But mostly I was indifferent to anything humane
It was numbness
Inner spurce with tempted tantrums
In a drive to stay well
In my best drama queen fashion I continued to try to kill myself
Intentional overdoses
Wrist slashing
Poison injections
I was never able to stop the picture from going on
I was fucked up in my own private hell

It broke me
That I was a big baby-faced white boy
I wanted to be slim, androgenous, dark and exotic
Instead I was sweet like apple pie
I wanted to slash my face
To spike my all-American wholsome good looks
I tattooed "fuck you"
With a spider, cross, teardrops and a ( ) on my forehead
I couldn't shake the mother complex
It got so bleak
And a lot less easy
If I could just sleep and never wake up
If someone could just put me out of my fucking misery
Am I just a manifestation of my fucking self-destruction
Is this just more suicide
In the middle of my messy self-destruction came a dream
In that dream my tatoos were complete
My body was covered with massive black tribal designs
In that dream I was to turn my life around
I stood strong like a man
I faced a man who was tatooed as I was
Almost solid black
But his designs were styled like animals
We stood the same size
And looked exactly alike
Slowly and simultaneously we began levitating
Elation washed over me
That morning when I woke
I still felt delighted
Even though I was alone
And my body was yet to become solid black

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BAST & Ron Athey
Visions of Excess